I would wake up every day to the dread of my day. I would shuffle along with lack of enthusiasm through another unfulfilled day, unaware I had any choice in how I could be living my life. After all, I had done the things I had been told I was supposed to do. I finished school, received a BBA in college, did not go to jail, got a formal job, got married, had children. Isn’t this the road to fulfillment? Aren’t all these goals on life’s checklist? What went wrong?
What went wrong was, I never asked myself what I really wanted. I didn’t think I was allowed to. I just assumed if I followed life’s master list, things would just fall into place. And things did fall into place. The place of fear. Each and every day I lacked fulfillment, I chose the path of fear, disguised as practicality (thank you Jim Carrey). Each day my fears chipped away at any chances of happiness. All because I especially feared asking for what I wanted. I’m a woman and a mother. I don’t get that choice, right? I’m to live for my marriage and children and maybe, just maybe, every once in a while, something will happen that will define how much I deserve, or what I’m worth. Yeah, that wasn’t happening!
What did happen was I began to really focus on reducing my fears. I’m not really sure at what moment or what thing ignited that desire. I can remember about 20 years ago hearing a voice in my head saying “I love you”. Odd, huh. I thought so too. This went on for years. I decided I was doomed for the loony bin, but at least something loving was going through my head. Slowly, I stopped being fearful, especially about things that statistically were unlikely to happen. Like, what if I just went and did something I wanted to do? What if I left the dishes in the sink? What if the kids don’t get a bath tonight? What if I say no to things I don’t enjoy? What if I choose not to waste my time with people who I really don’t like? And guess what, nothing bad happened. As a matter of fact, only great things began to happen! I felt lighter each day as the weight of fear and unnecessary obligation began to disappear. Poof!
And what happened then? I began to grow. My almost shriveled self began to accept the slow nourishment coming. I became stronger. The things I needed in my life were manifesting before my eyes. My subconscious thoughts had begun to change my habits and my beliefs. I have a choice in how I live my life. I have passions and desires no one else can choose for me because they aren’t me. Only I am me! I am unique and have strengths and talents in a combination that only I have the code. And by sharing my code, the only access anyone can ever have is only love and support. It’s a read-only file and cannot be edited. Editing is only allowed by me, and yes I indulge myself, I tweak my subconscious from time to time, because sometimes updates are needed as I grow.
I am still growing everyday. It’s an adventure where the trek was daunting and exhausting at first, but I became fit and fierce where there is no hurdle or obstacle that can keep me from getting to the next checkpoint. How is this possible? I found my passion…which created purpose, which created self worth, which created fulfillment, which is happiness, which we are all seeking everyday.
And back to that voice in my head saying “I love you”? It was me, hoping that I would hear me and learn to love me. As this 2015 year comes to a close and our 2016 year begins, my wish for you is that you hear your voice saying “I love you” so you too can begin your life’s adventure.